How Did This Happen and How Do I Make It Stop???

Yea, yea... I'm angsting again! So, sue me...

I look in the mirror (when I can't avoid it) and wonder who in the hell is that woman? I KNOW who I am in my head, but the reflection doesn't match. It's weird... and scary.

I want my long hair back! Waaaaaaaaa... Can't wear it long anymore. Something with this aging shit makes it break off. And, I've always had fine hair, but now it's thin as hell as well (hey, that rhymes!). Argh!!! So I keep it short and that isn't right. I'm a long-haired hippy chick.

I read articles that say women over 40 shouldn't wear this or that. Screw that attitude! I'm a beach girl and we're all about blue jeans and breezy shirts, shorts and flip flops. Wish I could get away with the whole "cut-offs and bikini top in the summer" thing these days, but I don't want to scare the local population. Yea, I've seen women do that who really shouldn't and I am SO not gonna join that crowd. Can we say "ewwwwwwwwwww"???

And, then there's this weight thing. I'm about 25 pounds overweight (it sure looks like a hell of a lot more than that to me) and it won't go away.

The hormones and chemicals in my body are doing the electric slide... I freeze, then I sweat. I get happy-go-lucky, then I rage or get down... I mean I like being unpredictable, but that's a bit ridiculous... Ya think? I know... there's HRT. Been there, done that, had enough.

Another thing is that most people my age (the ones that I SHOULD adopt as my friends), well frankly, most of them are boring as hell. They all have these safe little niches from which they never venture. The few my age that ARE my friends are the ones that refuse to live their lives in a predetermined box. The rest of my friends... OMG Since they're so young, they must think I'm ancient and just plain weird... What a minute! I AM among the strange and unusual.

So... Who IS that woman in the mirror and what do I DO with her??? How do I make the outside match the inside without surgery or the fashion police or the men in white coats coming after me? Or my in-laws??? Now, THAT'S a scary thought!

When I was young, we didn't mind people staring at us (after all, we were hippy freaks)... In fact, I think that's what we were after all the while we were flipping them off for that very reason. I liked being unique. Still do. But, if anyone were to stare at me now, I'd like it to be for GOOD reasons, not "what the fuck is THAT?" And, if I remember correctly, that happened not too many years ago... little shit! I wanted to flip her off as well, but retained my dignity.

I want to be me. I want to celebrate who I see in that mirror. Numbers don't matter to me, but that reflection sure does.

How in the hell did this happen???