Kalayna Price: Get the Word Out Contest: Grave Dance edition

Kalayna Price: Get the Word Out Contest: Grave Dance edition

Stolen Steven Wright Quotes

In case you've never seen or heard Steven Wright, his method of delivery is very deadpan and in a monotone voice. Just imagine him saying these thing with absolutely no expression. You get the picture?

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

I was an only child, eventually.

I lost a button hole.

I'm not afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths.

I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.

A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it'

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

I once put instant coffee in a microwave and went back in time.

I got a dog and named him 'Stay'. Now, I go 'Come here, Stay!' After a while, the dog went insane and wouldn't move at all.

I spilled spot remover on my dog...now he's gone.

I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a bitch to fold it.

I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.

Last year for Christmas, I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier... I thought I'd put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja-vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said, "Cut it out."

Sponges grow in the ocean ... that *kills* me. I wonder how much deeper the oceans would be if that didn't happen.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.

My girlfriend asked me if I slept well. I said no, I made a couple mistakes.

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.

I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place

I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

What's another word for Thesaurus?

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?

I planted some bird seed. A bird grew. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars".

You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

Yesterday I saw a chicken crossing the road. I asked it why. It told me it was none of my business.

In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.

I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."

I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."

I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."

When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

My school colors were clear. I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."

I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say,' Have you got anything I'd like?' Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, 'Extra medium.'

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it....

When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.

I have a microwave fireplace in my house...The other night I relaxed in front of the fire for the evening in ten minutes.

I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store..."

Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was...

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on hem. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I have an answering machine in my car. It says "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time".

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep" I said "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."

I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one -- it wasn't doing what I was doing.

I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.

I was Caesarian born...can't tell...except every time I leave a room, I go out through the window.

Random thoughts: An email I received.

Random Thoughts:

1) Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong...

2) I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

3) There is a great need for sarcasm font.

4) How the heck are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

5) I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

6) MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

7) Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

8) I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

9) Bad decisions make good stories.

10) You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

11) I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear
I did not make any changes to.

12) I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

13) I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

14) As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

15) I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

16) I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Bud Lites than with Kay.

An Evening with the Dementias

This is something I wrote back in November. Most of you will read this and think "say what?" I've posted it here primarily for myself and those few who DO get it. A clue: the Dementias are my SPP characters and I was in a job that was slowly killing me.

So last night I called a meeting of all of the Dementias. I had something important to discuss and in these situations it's always best to turn to one's family to get all sides before making a decision. As always, Capt. Morgan Dementia walked straight to the bar and poured us all a drink. Then everyone gathered around... well, except for Lily Rose. She sat in the corner, sharpening her knives. There are times that the decided gleam in her eyes truly distresses me. *shudder* At any rate, once everyone was settled, I took a deep breath and said "Here's the thing... it's about this job. When I went into it, I was told that I'd have 2-3 days a week. They're only giving me one... a HARD one day, but one nevertheless. They write the schedule on Fridays, so I can't plan a weekend or anything else for that matter. There are some of my friends that I can only see on the weekends. And lastly, well... my body isn't holding up so well, particularly my left knee." At which point Lily Rose looked up and offered to remove the offending limb. I thanked her delicately (one must be very politic when dealing with Lily Rose) and declined her gracious offer. I went on to say "Plus there's this whole thing of the twit that insists on glaring at me continually and the lazy gits that manage to look busy without doing a damn thing". Auntie Gracie Marie Laveau declared she would turn them all into zombies... another offer I politely refused. Suddenly, Morticia snorted and gave me that look. You know the one. She spoke in her freezing voice, "And here I thought you were supposed to be some sort of genius! Are you OUT OF YOUR FREAKING MIND? Why are you still going to that job? It embarrasses me to even CALL it a job, you work so little. And for WHAT, might I ask? Do you honestly believe that little bit of money makes any difference? Then you're too tired to play with US. We should bar you from the family for this little tryst." She snorted again for effect, I believe. Everyone sat in stunned silence for several moments. Suddenly, the Boyz were intent on their spy games and head shrinking and such. Then I started crying and everyone gathered around hugging me, telling me they loved me, and we all settled in for a night of old horror movies. Well... I am now no longer employed. I mean, would YOU argue with the Dementias?

English... The language we never think about!

I have been taught that English is the most difficult language to learn. As Americans who speak English, we rarely think about that. For a couple of years, I was a sign language interpreter in ASL and I HAD to think about it.

ASL is a language based on the concept or intent of what we are trying to express. For example: "I like you" is signed as "you me like". "You are like no other" becomes "you other person same not". Two different signs are used for, what in English is, the same word. So let's look at some other words that can be confusing...

Are and our: You are nice. are= to be verb. ASL doesn't use the "be" verbs, so it's simply "you nice" This is our home. our=possessive. "House this (or that) ours" They're, there, and their: they're is the conjunction of "they are", again the "to be" verb. "They're funny = "they funny". There=location. "My house is over there" = "house my there". Their = possessive. "This is their dog" = "dog (point at it) theirs" You're and your: again, you're is the conjunction of "you are", so I won't be repetitive! LOL and "your" is possessive. Light and light??? Whoa! Light colors (not dark), daylight, turn on the light, this is light and not heavy, lighten up???

Now, think about all of the words we have that sound the same, but are spelled differently and have completely different meanings. OMG! Talk about something that confuses people! LOL Read and red? Lie and lye??? Seen and scene??? I could go on and on, but my head is already reeling from the impact.

English is an incredible language. I love it. There seems to be a perfect word for just about anything a person can imagine if we just look hard enough. I'm not talking about those 20 syllable words, either. Just a simple word like "cherish"... Isn't that a beautiful word? It's beyond like, beyond love. It contains respect and a sense of forever. Cherish. Wow...

I could go on and on, but I won't bore you with my ramblings. Just take a moment and THINK about what you're saying. Think about what you MEAN. Could it be said better, more concisely? It's a thing to consider while our world is becoming ever smaller thanks to the internet.

Let's all broaden our concepts of language together!

PEACE! *grin*

Dug up some old stuff...

A new FB friend brought to mind that I used to be a fairly good poet. Won a couple of writing contests and had a couple of pieces legitimately published... all LONG ago. At any rate, I thought I'd share them here with you along with my most recent painting. Hope you enjoy them all.

Jenna at 13

You gracefully fold

into the chair,

half-smile lighting your face as you read,

Gawkiness

meets grace

in each body line.

Rounding gone,

angles show the woman to come.

Black eyes flash insolence.

I call you to chores.

Brushawaymyvoice with eraser’s

edge and draw

red dragons,

faerie queens.

Dirty dishes

sway not

in lands of mist.

Gulf of Mexico (haiku)

Grey-green cold that burns.

Cotton-tipped waves past skyline

lap at wet white sand.

Poem put together from magazine clippings

Because first impressions last a lifetime

Feeling translates into terms anyone can understand

Here’s a promise you don’t have to take with a grain of salt,

Falling in love don’t come with erasers for a simple reason.

Your kids have grown, The most luxurious part happens when it’s over.

MMMMmmmmmm

The junkman cometh!

The Wanderer

Woods so dark

I travel through

Faerie path

hidden

Cast a spell

Illuminates

to mine eyes

behold

See no end

Choose wisely

Where feet tread

my staff

The Lark & the Emporor ( a parody )

Strangle the Lark!

Place its pink tongue under glass.

I’ve heard

enough of choruses a lifetime

to last.

Choke that Green Frog!

Make a feast of muscled legs.

His song

is quite deafening to basilar

membranes.

I demand peace

at twilight times---dusk and dawn.

Kill them

all who dare to peep when the Emperor needs

to yawn.

Kids

I wish you would bathe

I say what I think

The stench tears the eyes

That’s just how goats reek

Kids buried in grime

Kids love gritty grub

Kids avoid the tub!

The Dancer

Sweat glistens as she moves

to the sway of soft strings.

Dim lights glow

on golden planks and her.

Slow movements sculpt in air---

Breath suspends.

Half-lidded eyes know the

rapture of surety.

Arms lift, she lightly turns, dancer,

sound and rhythm come together

in the quiet of the music.

The invisible audience

applauds.

Death ( a story in exactly 100 words)

She could feel the evil permeating the darkened room. Mist rose, covering the floor and filling her lungs. Terror gripped her. There was nowhere to run. No matter how she clawed at the thickly-panelled walls or yanked at the door, she couldn’t escape.

Then he was there before her in all his ungodly beauty. Red-rimmed eyes stole her will and she walked into his embrace. The man-thing smiled and moonlight glinted on pointed canine teeth. “At last, you are mine,” he whispered. She tilted her head, exposing a white throat. His teeth sank deep...and she fell forever.

Fishin’ ( a story in dialogue)

“God! Life’s great, ain’t it! Just look at dis. Da mornin’s so crisp and bright, da water’s calm. And just look’t here in ma net! Twelfth t’row today, all jus’ like dis one. Ten mullet! An’ look at da size! Can’t wait for Ti Mae ta see dis. She gonna have a fit. Course, she’ll hog all da gizzards...always does.”

“Wish she coulda come today. She’d of loved it. But dat Mae have to have a spankin’ clean house...no if’s, and’s, but’s, or maybe ‘bout it! Dese here babies won’t even make it ta da back door till day primed and ready to fry!”

“Oo-ee, but dat’ll be fine! I tell you what, dat Mae can cook! She whip me up some potatoe salad and have me some of dat French bread from Desporte’s...you know, dem loaves so soft dey bend in half when ya pick dem up. Den, dese babies, she fry dem up so crisp an’ golden, where dey crunch when ya bite ‘em, still moist inside.”

“Where’d I get dem? See that buoy raht over dere? Yea, da one to da east... Gonna try your luck? Best hurry, day’s gettin’ on quick. Me? I’m gonna hurry home. Mae’s awaitin’! God, ain’t life great!”

Good-Bye Daddy

Leaves blur as they fall to

the unforgiving ground

Except for one-----------

the tenacious grip won’t let it go.

Limned-white stones

litter the dying grass.

Here I stand,

crying, a child alone.

I Can’t Think!

Firecrackers of color

explode in my brain.

Ideas plip-plop.....Wait!

What was that?

She said what?

I can’t do it!....or can I?

If I try?

What if I did this....

Frustration, confusion,

immense desperation.

INPUT........IN

PUT.....INPUT

Thousands of ideas

incomplete.

I feel another thought.....

I can’t believe he said that.....

What point was I making?

Who did what?

How could I......

But what should I......

I forget......

HELP!!!!!!

From Childhood to Reality

We laughed

ago.

We sang

and danced.

Laughter

flees cold.

Dark comes.

Furrowed faces

line my

vision.

Times lost,

I mourn

ago.

A Road Through Desoto

Such a strange road so seldom travelled

grass sprouts and even one small maple tree finds root.

Short Cut Road they call it though it winds

hither

and

yon.

See the Buick skeleton there? Did it give up

trying to find

the end?

Dusty rust settles in autumn colors.

Nature’s paint slowly eradicates this blight

just as blooming meadows shroud humanity’s waste.

It’s quiet here, only the birds and insects

chatter in the morning air.

And, if you narrow your eyes justso,

looking away from electric wires and car,

you can see just how things

were meant to be.

Perhaps this road is the short cut to man’s housecleaning.

Perhaps simply a shortcut to its end.

Bah... None of this will save in its proper style, so we'll just imagine that the lines have indentations in odd places!

All works included written for Creative Writing, Fall term ‘92 by RMT

A Question for Me...

Recently, I received a letter from a new friend who, like me, is of the "bent hippy persuasion". I was kind of surprised by her letter because it was an issue I hadn't thought about for a long long time. I guess over the years I've become inured to so many things... the narrow attitudes of the masses being one of them. So, I took her question to heart, thinking about it for several days before answering. Here's our "conversation":

Her: I've got a question for you, my friend. When exactly did it happen that "hippy" became a dirty word, synonymous with "unwashed loser" with today's youth? I mean I remember back in the day the "older generation" thinking that of us, but when the hell and HOW did it happen that the younger people became the ones looking down their noses at us? And how the heck did the younger kids make this transformation into conservatives? If you had told me back in the 70's that this would happen, I'd have told you there was no way, not ever.

It's weird, isn't it? I used to think the hippy "brand" was more about our beliefs and ideals, and I thought the message would last a while. Now it just seems to mean you're a "patchouli stinking, tree hugging liberal" LOL, which I guess in my case isn't that far off, since I do still love patchouli and have been recycling since long before it became a curbside City service. But when did it become such a derogatory term? I thought that mindset would end with our parents' generation, didn't you?

*sigh* Oh well.

To which I responded:

I don't really know how to answer your question...

I remember when I was young, that was how people reacted to all of us. We were hippies... freaks... cut from the herd. I never cared, because among those hippies and freaks and unwanted, I found peace and acceptance... welcome. I found a mindset that resembled my own. I was proud then to be counted among them as I am proud now of who and what I am.

Some years ago, I discovered a need to distance myself from society at large. Too many cruel people seem to be attracted to those who are more "sensitive". Not long after, I discovered my "inner bitch"! LOL I developed a harsh facade to the world at large and kept the true "me" for the circle of "strange and unusual" friends that I have collected around me. At times, there are many many people within that circle. At other times, there are so few that the place echoes. But it's okay... The love and support remains.

Lately, I've realized that I am the type of person that needs to be among other people, so I've gradually "broadened my scope". Remember those hippy days of people watching? I've refined it to an art form and, combined with my totally bent sense of humor, I find that I can go out... and LAUGH! Yes, I laugh at all of those who would denigrate me for who and what I am. How can I do this? Because (for the most part) I am at peace with that part of me... I've embraced it until it fills me. Within that place inside is love and acceptance, my faith with our Creator.

Do you remember the prose that was so popular back then, "Desiderata"? Read it over and over until it's a part of you. More important words have never been spoken.

BTW, Sweet Patchouli oil is the only fragrance that I still wear... I was one of the originators of our high school ecology club... And I threaten severe torture to anyone within my sight who doesn't "Reduce, Reuse, Recycle" or REPAIR! *grin* Yes, I will forever be that patchouli-wearing, tree-hugging, multi-pierced, lightly tattooed, freaky lady! But... You want to hear something amazing? My adult kids are proud of the me I am! Amazing. Isn't it?

I guess that my point is... I don't really care what most people think of me. The opinion that matters is that of those I choose to carry in my life: those I love, those I admire, those from whom I wish to learn. Of the others? There will always be malcontents who seek to belittle the unique that walk this world. I feel rather sorry for them because their world-view is so narrow. Can you imagine all that they miss? And when they become arrogant? I laugh... and laugh and laugh and laugh.

PEACE!