Exercise... Can we say "Ewww"?

I walk a mile most mornings. Yup, three laps around our pond, making certain to take all of the ins and outs of the pond's shape. I probably COULD do more laps and I probably SHOULD, but... How do I put this? It bores the shit out of me!

In my art studio, I have one of those Total Gyms. Great piece of machinery. A person can exercise almost any part of the body. I look at it several times a day and think "why?"

Face it folks. Exercising by oneself is boring as hell. I sit on the Total Gym sometimes, responsibly doing my leg presses and think of all of the things that I could be doing that are far more interesting... Like watching concrete set or cleaning the toilet.

I danced on and off, ballet, jazz, lyrical, from the time I was four until I blew my knees when I was thirty-five. When I was in my 20's, I was a personal trainer at a gym. I KNOW what I should be doing.

I'm one of those people who really needs to have a work-out partner. It's even better if I don't LIKE that partner... "Ha! That bitch did 25 reps. Watch this people, I'm gonna do FIFTY!". Yea, that's me! I'm bad!

So, it seems that actually GOING to the gym would be the solution. Nope. Do you realize just how many excuses I can invent for simply not getting into my car? And then I think about the fact that I have to PAY someone for the information that resides in my tiny little brain each time I encounter THEIR personal trainers. Ugh!

Let me tell ya, honey... There is nothing "Golden" about this era of my life. The muscles are atrophying at an alarming rate and I don't believe my body HAS a metabolism any more. Yup, that baby's gone! I eat fairly healthy foods (fried foods and greasy snacks make me ill), mostly of the vegetable persuasion and I limit my chocoholic tendencies to 2 or 3 individually wrapped pieces per day. Hell... sin of sins... I've even begun limiting my Margaritas. What's wrong with this picture?

Do you ever feel like sending threatening letters to Madonna and Cher?... "Look, you sluts, gain weight, turn grey, and start sagging like the rest of the female population or I will bomb your aesthetician's practice." Those magazine pics damn well better be airbrushed or I give up!

So I walk my petty mile each morning and glare at my exercise videos and Total Gym in accusation (shouldn't they work simply because I OWN them?), then sit my ass down to read my twelfth book of the week or post something new in here... ANYthing to avoid that dreaded word, "exercise".

Anyway, here's a little humor (from one of my favorite e-mails) to take you through your day:

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A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Belinda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

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MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Belinda waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Belinda gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring! Belinda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week-!!

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TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Belinda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Belinda's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Belinda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Belinda put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Belinda told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

_______________________________

THURSDAY:

Belinda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Belinda took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

_________ _ _____________________

FRIDAY:

I hate that bitch Belinda more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it. Belinda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

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SATURDAY:

Belinda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

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SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little shit) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Dell... Hell!

I've loved personal computers since they first came on the scene. My first experience with anything of the sort was a keyboard that was hooked to a monitor. You could type in something like 350 lines of code and produce a picture of Alfred E. Neuman. How funny is that?

My first PC was an IBM clone. When that finally blew, I was able to afford a Gateway. Loved it and the tech support was phenomenal. When they started the downhill slide, I turned to Dell.

I've had five Dells, three still working. I could probably get the PC back up if I wanted to fool with it, but decided on a laptop instead. My daughter still has that laptop, given to her when I upgraded to the one I have now. My oldest son has the first Dell I gave my youngest, given to him when the youngest upgraded (he was in school as a computer science major, so had to have the higher capabilities).

This last laptop is the one at issue now. Like I mentioned, my youngest was a computer science major, which translates into needing the biggest, baddest computer we could afford. It ended up costing us $3400 AFTER corporate discounts (perhaps not a huge amount of money to some of you, but a ton to me!). He'd had it just a little over a year (past warranty as usual) when the graphics card died.

You'd think that this would be a minor matter of calling Dell and ordering a replacement, wouldn't you? Nope. We called and ordered it. A few days later, nothing, so my son contacted Dell via live chat. There was a problem and the order had been canceled (I guess they couldn't be bothered to notify us of that, eh?).

I got on the phone at that point and worked my way through a bunch of Indians (not a racist remark!) with really strong accents (note: I'm hard of hearing!)... Obviously, their scripts had no protocol for this scenario... to an American in tech support and, again, supposedly the part was on its way... Nope, nothing. Big surprise.

Then I started getting the e-mails and phone calls (I got so tired of telling them I was hard of hearing!) wanting to resolve the matter. They wanted us to SEND them the computer so that they could repair it (at a healthy charge). Both of my sons could replace the part with one hand, so WHY would I do that???

In response, I sent them this e-mail:

We actually WERE connected with tech support and supposedly a part was ordered. The tech said that he was putting in a special request for the part and would notify us within 48 hours. The tech was also supposed to e-mail detailed instructions for changing out the part. Your e-mail, however, is the first response that we’ve gotten since that day.

This situation began before the conversation that you mention in your e-mail. My son had called and ordered the graphics board, but never received a confirmation e-mail. Two days later, he made contact again via live chat and was told that the order had been cancelled, that his $3400 computer was irreparable.

We own FIVE Dell systems, a PC and four laptops. We’ve recommended Dell to more than twenty people, some in business situations. I will no longer be praising Dell and will more than likely look to another brand in the future. I will also suggest to my friends in the corporate world that they not purchase Dell.

This had been an absurd situation from the beginning. I am completely disappointed in what was once a fine company who put quality products and customer service as a priority. Someone has dropped the ball in this situation. Please get my son the part he needs to repair his computer so at least we can get a few more dollars worth out of an expensive machine.

Thank you

So, what do you think happened next? More e-mails/phone calls from individuals I couldn't understand as well as an attempt on their part to get me to order a graphics card for a PC... Even I know a part labeled PCI is NOT for a laptop!

Next, they wanted us to send them the computer and give us a 20% discount on the repair. They sent me the following e-mail (note the grammar!):

I am really sorry for this situation that you are in, as this system is out of warranty, systems at technical department won’t allow us to issues replacements for graphics card that you are looking for. We are at customer care and we can issue replacements in first 30 days.

Since then, I've gotten a few more e-mails telling ME to call tech support and order the part. Isn't that kind of going back to step ONE??? Now, they simply ignore my inquiries.

The end result is that we now have a $3400 laptop relegated to a back closet and my son got an HP PC for his birthday.

So, if you're looking into buying a computer, DO NOT BUY DELL!!!