LOVEYOUGOODBYEMAYBE POSTED BY RMATNEY

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POSTED BY

RMATNEY

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NOVEMBER 26, 2013

LOVEYOUGOODBYEMAYBE

In early summer, friend and mentor Steven Tomlinson met me for coffee to visit about my melanoma diagnosis and treatment. He’d graciously volunteered at Beth Burns’ request to write and perform a monologue for one of the Matney vs Cancer benefit events she coordinated, and our get-together was a part of his research.

If you know Steven or his writing, you know he has a knack for getting to the heart of the matter, and before long we were talking about painful challenges and highest goals for working through the process of melanoma treatment. We talked about the challenge of answering the question “How are you?,” about my desire to interact with people in such a way that if it is the last time there will be no regrets, and my desire to learn a lesson from my dog, whom as a pup had become very ill but survived, in part due to her unflagging spirits in the face of the pain, discomfort, and isolation in a quarantine ward.

He would also talk to Liz and others in preparation. Below is the piece he performed in spoken-word fashion. (I’d give much for a video of that performance.) When he was done, he quietly handed me the printed paper he’d read from, with his markings and notes. I keep that paper near to hand at nearly all times.

Steven – I am most grateful to you for this gift you gave me and every one who was there that night, and for the gift of your friendship. [wags tail]

Viola (for Matney)

©2013 Steven Tomlinson

People ask, “How are you?” and I wonder:
What do you want to know? What can you handle?
What’s honest? What’s safe? What’s kind?

Ask Viola, and she says: YOU, HERE, NOW, LOVE, LICK, LICK, LOVE.
Of course, she oversimplifies. [She’s a dog.]
When I came home from the hospital, I thought I’d feel less helplessly dependent if I found something that depended on me. Isn’t that why people get dogs?

Viola says YES AND… YOU. HERE. NOW. LOVE. LICK. YOU. LOVE.
She knows no boundaries, no decorum, only joy effervescent, slathering sloppy kisses on my face, my sutures.

I ask: Viola, where does this come from?
Whence this mysterious annoyance of unconditionality?

And she cocks her head and reflects me in her eyes and wags her tail as if that were the answer.

And goddammit if she didn’t get parvo.

I find her curled up on the kitchen floor, fur matted with bloody diarrhea.
OUCH. HURTS. OUCH. YOU. LOVE. HURTS.

And I say: Shit, Viola. You can’t leave me. Goddammit, I don’t need this.

And in the waiting room, the vet strokes her tenderly and says,
“We have to put her in quarantine now.”
“What does that mean?”
“Sir, only one puppy in ten gets out. Even if we stop the virus, there’s the confinement. Dogs get lonely. They lose heart.”
“What can I do?”
“You can tell her you love her. You can tell her goodbye.”

I’d be more optimistic if I weren’t so good at math. If I were better at lying, I wouldn’t need to be such a good actor.

Viola, I love you, you know that.
LOVE. OUCH. LOVE YOU.
Remember that. I’m right here.
YOU. HERE. LOVE.
And it’s not like there’s much left to say to someone who’s been licking you all over for weeks. And she says something hard to understand: LOVEYOUGOODBYEMAYBE — and flashes me in her eyes and wags her tail. LOVEYOUGOODBYEMAYBE.

No. No, you’re strong. You’re special. You can’t go — remember I’m here.

LOVEYOUGOODBYEMAYBE.

And I’m crying, as if more of my neediness does any good.

And Viola says: NOW. YOU. HERE. LOVEYOUGOODBYEMAYBE. TIME? [NO.] NOW. YOU. HERE.

She knows Heidegger. She’s practiced.

I cover her face with kisses and give her to the vet and drive home trying to fathom a dog’s memory, the mercy of the eternal present. With any luck, she’s already forgotten.

But I will spend the rest of my life unpacking that gift.
And for the next two days, sharp bursts like arrows shoot upwards from my heart.

And the vet calls. “You need to come down here.”
“Is she…?”
“She’s OK. She’s going to be OK. We’ve never seen anything like it.”

And at his office, I find Viola, whole and stupidly happy, squirming in her bed, licking my tears.

“We’ve never seen anything like it. Her tail never stopped wagging.”

I say: You did it, Viola. You made it. Thank you. Thank you.
And she says: YOU. HERE. NOW. GO? [NO.] YOU. HERE. LICK. LICK. LOVE.

You can’t know how much love there is in the world until you need it all.
I just want things to get back to normal. But what is normal after you know.

So Viola and I lie on the couch, and I scratch her ears and say: I love you.
And she says: LOVEYOUGOODBYEMAYBE.
And I say: No. No goodbye. Just love.
And she cocks her head and wags her tail patiently as if to say: It is one word for us, these thoughts, together, always. You make two words? Weird. Funny.

So that’s how I am.
See yourself in my eyes.
If I had a tail, I would wag it.

https://rmatney.wordpress.com/2013/11/26/loveyougoodbyemaybe/

Everything Doesn't Happen For A Reason by Tim Lawrence

OCTOBER 20, 2015

I emerge from this conversation dumbfounded. I've seen this a million times before, but it still gets me every time. 

I’m listening to a man tell a story. A woman he knows was in a devastating car accident; her life shattered in an instant. She now lives in a state of near-permanent pain; a paraplegic; many of her hopes stolen.

He tells of how she had been a mess before the accident, but that the tragedy had engendered positive changes in her life. That she was, as a result of this devastation, living a wonderful life.

And then he utters the words. The words that are responsible for nothing less than emotional, spiritual and psychological violence:

Everything happens for a reason. That this was something that had to happen in order for her to grow.

That's the kind of bullshit that destroys lives. And it is categorically untrue. 

It is amazing to me that so many of these myths persist—and that is why I share actionable tools and strategies to work with your pain in my free newsletter. These myths are nothing more than platitudes cloaked as sophistication, and they preclude us from doing the one and only thing we must do when our lives are turned upside down: grieve.

You know exactly what I'm talking about. You've heard these countless times. You've probably even uttered them a few times yourself. And every single one of them needs to be annihilated.

Let me be crystal clear: if you've faced a tragedy and someone tells you in any way, shape or form that your tragedy was meant to be, that it happened for a reason, that it will make you a better person, or that taking responsibility for it will fix it, you have every right to remove them from your life.

Grief is brutally painful. Grief does not only occur when someone dies. When relationships fall apart, you grieve. When opportunities are shattered, you grieve. When dreams die, you grieve. When illnesses wreck you, you grieve.

So I’m going to repeat a few words I’ve uttered countless times; words so powerful and honest they tear at the hubris of every jackass who participates in the debasing of the grieving:

Some things in life cannot be fixed. They can only be carried. 

These words come from my dear friend Megan Devine, one of the only writers in the field of loss and trauma I endorse. These words are so poignant because they aim right at the pathetic platitudes our culture has come to embody on a increasingly hopeless level. Losing a child cannot be fixed. Being diagnosed with a debilitating illness cannot be fixed. Facing the betrayal of your closest confidante cannot be fixed. 

They can only be carried.

I hate to break it to you, but although devastation can lead to growth, it often doesn't. The reality is that it often destroys lives. And the real calamity is that this happens precisely because we've replaced grieving with advice. With platitudes. With our absence.  

I now live an extraordinary life. I've been deeply blessed by the opportunities I've had and the radically unconventional life I've built for myself. Yet even with that said, I'm hardly being facetious when I say that loss has not in and of itself made me a better person. In fact, in many ways it's hardened me.

While so much loss has made me acutely aware and empathetic of the pains of others, it has made me more insular and predisposed to hide. I have a more cynical view of human nature, and a greater impatience with those who are unfamiliar with what loss does to people.

Above all, I've been left with a pervasive survivor’s guilt that has haunted me all my life. This guilt is really the genesis of my hiding, self-sabotage and brokenness.

In short, my pain has never been eradicated, I've just learned to channel it into my work with others. I consider it a great privilege to work with others in pain, but to say that my losses somehow had to happen in order for my gifts to grow would be to trample on the memories of all those I lost too young; all those who suffered needlessly, and all those who faced the same trials I did early in life, but who did not make it. 

I'm simply not going to do that. I'm not going to construct some delusional narrative fallacy for myself so that I can feel better about being alive. I'm not going to assume that God ordained me for life instead of all the others so that I could do what I do now. And I'm certainly not going to pretend that I've made it through simply because I was strong enough; that I became "successful" because I "took responsibility."

There’s a lot of “take responsibility” platitudes in the personal development space, and they are largely nonsense. People tell others to take responsibility when they don’t want to understand.

Because understanding is harder than posturing. Telling someone to “take responsibility” for their loss is a form of benevolent masturbation. It’s the inverse of inspirational porn: it’s sanctimonious porn.

Personal responsibility implies that there’s something to take responsibility for. You don’t take responsibility for being raped or losing your child. You take responsibility for how you choose to live in the wake of the horrors that confront you, but you don't choose whether you grieve. We're not that smart or powerful. When hell visits us, we don't get to escape grieving.

This is why all the platitudes and fixes and posturing are so dangerous: in unleashing them upon those we claim to love, we deny them the right to grieve.

In so doing, we deny them the right to be human. We steal a bit of their freedom precisely when they're standing at the intersection of their greatest fragility and despair.

No one—and I mean no one—has that authority. Though we claim it all the time.

The irony is that the only thing that even can be "responsible" amidst loss is grieving. 

So if anyone tells you some form of get over it, move on, or rise above, you can let them go.

If anyone avoids you amidst loss, or pretends like it didn’t happen, or disappears from your life, you can let them go.

If anyone tells you that all is not lost, that it happened for a reason, that you’ll become better as a result of your grief, you can let them go.

Let me reiterate: all of those platitudes are bullshit. 

You are not responsible to those who try to shove them down your throat. You can let them go. 

I’m not saying you should. That is up to you, and only up to you. It isn't an easy decision to make and should be made carefully. But I want you to understand that you can.

I've grieved many times in my life. I've been overwhelmed with shame and self-hatred so strong it’s nearly killed me.

The ones who helped—the only ones who helped—were those who were there. And said nothing. 

In that nothingness, they did everything.

I am here—I have lived—because they chose to love me. They loved me in their silence, in their willingness to suffer with me, alongside me, and through me. They loved me in their desire to be as uncomfortable, as destroyed, as I was, if only for a week, an hour, even just a few minutes.

Most people have no idea how utterly powerful this is.

Are there ways to find "healing" amidst devastation? Yes. Can one be "transformed" by the hell life thrusts upon them? Absolutely. But it does not happen if one is not permitted to grieve. Because grief itself is not an obstacle.

The obstacles come later. The choices as to how to live; how to carry what we have lost; how to weave a new mosaic for ourselves? Those come in the wake of grief. It cannot be any other way. 

Grief is woven into the fabric of the human experience. If it is not permitted to occur, its absence pillages everything that remains: the fragile, vulnerable shell you might become in the face of catastrophe.

Yet our culture has treated grief as a problem to be solved, an illness to be healed, or both. In the process, we've done everything we can to avoid, ignore, or transform grief. As a result, when you're faced with tragedy you usually find that you're no longer surrounded by people, you're surrounded by platitudes. 

What to Offer Instead

When a person is devastated by grief, the last thing they need is advice. Their world has been shattered. This means that the act of inviting someone—anyone—into their world is an act of great risk. To try and fix or rationalize or wash away their pain only deepens their terror.

Instead, the most powerful thing you can do is acknowledge. Literally say the words: 

I acknowledge your pain. I am here with you.

Note that I said with you, not for you. For implies that you're going to do something. That is not for you to enact. But to stand with your loved one, to suffer with them, to listen to them, to do everything but something is incredibly powerful.

There is no greater act than acknowledgment. And acknowledgment requires no training, no special skills, no expertise. It only requires the willingness to be present with a wounded soul, and to stay present, as long as is necessary.

Be there. Only be there. Do not leave when you feel uncomfortable or when you feel like you're not doing anything. In fact, it is when you feel uncomfortable and like you're not doing anything that you must stay.

Because it is in those places—in the shadows of horror we rarely allow ourselves to enter—where the beginnings of healing are found. This healing is found when we have others who are willing to enter that space alongside us. Every grieving person on earth needs these people.

Thus I beg you, I plead with you, to be one of these people.

You are more needed than you will ever know. 

And when you find yourself in need of those people, find them. I guarantee they are there. 

Everyone else can go. 

20 Surprisingly Profound Quotes From Fantasy & SciFi by Bobby Popovic Content Writer

1. "Never forget what you are, for surely the world will not. Make it your strength. Then it can never be your weakness. Armour yourself in it, and it will never be used to hurt you." - Tyrion Lannister, A Game of Thrones

2. "It is often said that before you die your life passes before your eyes. This is in fact true. It's called living." - Terry Pratchett

3. “It is the obvious which is so difficult to see most of the time. People say 'It's as plain as the nose on your face.' But how much of the nose on your face can you see, unless someone holds a mirror up to you?” ― Isaac Asimov, I, Robot

4. I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain. - Frank Herbert, Dune

5. "A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies. The man who never reads lives only one." - George R. R. Martin, A Storm of Swords (Jojen Reed)

6. “It's the questions we can't answer that teach us the most. They teach us how to think. If you give a man an answer, all he gains is a little fact. But give him a question and he'll look for his own answers.” - Patrick Rothfuss, The Wise Man's Fear

7. “If you hide your ignorance, no one will hit you and you'll never learn.” - Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451

8. “Why do you go away? So that you can come back. So that you can see the place you came from with new eyes and extra colors. And the people there see you differently, too. Coming back to where you started is not the same as never leaving.” ― Terry Pratchett, A Hat Full of Sky

9. “The purpose of a storyteller is not to tell you how to think, but to give you questions to think upon.” ― Brandon Sanderson, The Way of Kings

10. “We die a little every day and by degrees we’re reborn into different men, older men in the same clothes, with the same scars.” ― Mark Lawrence, King of Thorns

11. “Children are dying… That's a succinct summary of humankind, I'd say. Who needs tomes and volumes of history? Children are dying. The injustices of the world hide in those three words.” - Steven Erikson, Deadhouse Gates

12. "It is our choices that show who we truly are, far more than our abilities." - J.K Rowling, spoken by Dumbledore of Harry Potter

13. “I wish...I wish I were dead...”

“And what use would that be to anyone?” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

14. "Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." - Robert A. Heinlein, Stranger in a Strange Land

15. “We love what we love. Reason does not enter into it. In many ways, unwise love is the truest love. Anyone can love a thing because. That's as easy as putting a penny in your pocket. But to love something despite. To know the flaws and love them too. That is rare and pure and perfect.” - Patrick Rothfuss, The Wise Man's Fear

16. “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” ― Terry Pratchett, Diggers

17. “In my life I have found two things of priceless worth - learning and loving. Nothing else - not fame, not power, not achievement for its own sake - can possible have the same lasting value. For when your life is over, if you can say 'I have learned' and 'I have loved,' you will also be able to say 'I have been happy.” - Arthur C. Clarke, Rama II

18. “For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much—the wheel, New York, wars and so on—whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man—for precisely the same reasons.” - Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy

19. “They won't listen. Do you know why? Because they have certain fixed notions about the past. Any change would be blasphemy in their eyes, even if it were the truth. They don't want the truth; they want their traditions.” ― Isaac Asimov, Pebble in the Sky

20. “It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end… because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing… this shadow. Even darkness must pass.” - J. R. R. Tolkien, Lord of the Rings

"In many shamanic societies, if you came to a shaman or medicine person complaining of being disheartened, dispirited, or depressed, they would ask one of four questions. When did you stop dancing? When did you stop singing? When did you stop being enchanted by stories? When did you stop finding comfort in the sweet territory of silence?

Where we have stopped dancing, singing, being enchanted by stories, or finding comfort in silence is where we have experienced the loss of soul. Dancing, singing, storytelling, and silence are the four universal healing salves."

~ The Four-Fold Way: Walking the Paths of the Warrior 

August 25th

My house is filthy, but I'm gonna forgive myself... This morning, I got out of bed. My fur babies need far more care than they're getting ATM, but that's okay... they get plenty of snuggles, so I'm gonna forgive myself. The list of things to be done in the Courtyard and on the house grows exponentially... but I made someone laugh today and that's more important... so I forgive myself. I hardly cook anymore, but I can forgive myself because I shared a meal with a dear friend tonight. I think that the key to life is to perhaps be more gentle with ourselves. Perhaps? Not to be lazy, but simply be kind not just to others but to the person we should love the best... Our Self. I'm sure that tomorrow, I'll be all shakycrazyfrightened again because changes are coming to my life. LOL But change is good. If we don't evolve, we stagnate. But I also feel that teachers are coming into my life and I want to embrace that chance to learn and grow. That is the security blanket that I'm going to hold onto. So... tomorrow... remind me!

One day, I will have a Home where I walk in bare feet along hardwood boards
allowing the textures of the grain in the wood, the sand scramble along the soles of my feet.
One day, I will have a Home that smells of geranium, sandalwood, frankincense, patchouli and sage and I will glory that my body delights in the fragrances that make me whole.
One day, I will have a Home with wide open windows and spaces and room in between so that I can dance in the sunlight and dust motes.
One day, I will have a Home that calls the sea, the moon and stars here to me!  They will each delight in the fractional aspect and make a place there for themselves.
One day, I will have a Home and I will call it Mine, Sanctuary, Haven and only those invited will cross the threshold.
I WILL have a home, filled with laughter and love, where the murmurs of shared secrets and shared burdens will carry each soul through the darkest of nights...
Or days.
I WILL have a Home, garnished in the music of the fur brethren and my Heart Sisters' voices.
I WILL have a Home and I will call it Hiraeth. The stretching and yearning will dissolve into thin air...
Because I will BE Home.

Meareth

"You have psychic power. You can carry on for others with joy. You have a receptive nature and may bear burdens for others. You are pragmatic, thorough, strong-willed, practical and stubborn at times. You are hard working, often martyr to duty. You like home and security above all. You are bold, independent, inquisitive and interested in research. You know what you want and why you want it. Creative and outgoing, you are always looking for an opportunity to show your abilities, especially before audience. You are very flexible and likes to feel appreciated. You are looking for chances to mix with others socially and to communicate his ideas. You like to talk and can easily relate to different cultures and concepts. The biggest challenge for you is uncertainty. Easily getting bored, you can move from one job to another, switch projects and lovers. The high creative force can lead you either to happiness or unhappiness. If you understand your goals, if you can make major decisions in life and follow it directly and straight up without worry and uncertainty, you are able to achieve great heights."

I had a little breakdown the other night and this is what emerged...

You... in your pink ruffled naivete have no place in what's coming.  Better put on your big girl panties and find  your inner bitch, cuz it's gonna be a rough ride.  Yeah.  I sincerely believe that the shit is gonna hit the fan.  Don't let the Darkness eat you alive.  Because it will.  Oh, hell, it will.

We preach compassion and loving and positive thoughts.  All of that is going to us get run over like the Coyote trying to bomb the Roadrunner.  And it's gonna laugh at each of us just the same.  I'm a pacifist, always have been, but enough is enough.  I'm sick of being politic, of ignoring the shitstream pissing in my face.  Positive thoughts and demeanor have gotten me absolutely NOWHERE.  Our world is fucked up and we better batten down the hatches.

The People of this planet seem to think they're entitled to all of this crap...  they're armed and dangerous, so you'd better to be ready to roll over and show your belly.  You're gonna be dead.  We need to heed what's happening here, people.  Anyone can make anything a symbol of hate these days and fucking get away with it.  Makes me want to puke.

What the fuck?  My generation, my parent's generation... back and back...  Everyone had to WORK for what they had.  You want me to GIVE it to you, when our sacred warriors who have signed their lives on the dotted line don't get squat?  Fuck you.  Your 20 times over grandparent suffered.  So what?  So did mine.

You want to draw lines in the sand because of your race, religion or whatever else there is.  Again.  Fuck you.  Why are you doing that???  Why?  Because someone in the media or government told you to do so?  Are you some freaking sheep to follow a trend or can you think for yourself?  Can you???  I'm sick and tired of worrying about my children and my grandchild because YOU can't get your shit together and think for yourself.  Lambs go to slaughter in case you didn't know, asshole.

I don't care if you're black, white, latino or asian...  You gonna get all ghetto on me?  Put a gun to my head?  Kill me?   Please do.  Put me out of my misery from your shit.  Someone else with my voice is going to step up and take my place.  You've slaughtered education, faith and the planet.  You want to play with guns and get pissed about something?  Join the fucking military.  Get angry about something REAL.  Put all of that anger into the REAL stuff that's going on.  I freaking DARE you.  But, no.  You don't have the balls for that.  Do you?  You'd rather rule your streets and kill others because they don't think like you or walk like you or just because you can.  You've got some kind of power.  Don't you?  Fuck you.  You aren't shit.  Until you do something that HELPS, you aren't worth the air you breathe.

Mother Nature is PISSED.  You've trashed our planet, the only home we've got.  You think "reduce, recycle, repair, reuse" is just some tree hugger bull shit?  HA!  Each of us who don't follow those rules have contributed to what's coming down.  Can you even understand what's going on with our blue planet?  Oh.  Wait a minute.  That's goes back to the fact that you've trashed any thoughts of education.  All of those babies you're making and throwing away with their moms, they're not gonna have fresh air to breathe or water to drink before you're finished with your wasteful ignorant bull shit.  But you aren't smart enough to know that.  Are you?

Get pissed that Nature is dying.  Get pissed that children are going hungry or people are being abused, left homeless.  Get angry because the rich become richer and the poor and middle class can barely scrape by.  Become enraged because there are entities like ISIS and the Taliban, because there are those who would still enslave the innocents, torture, rape and kill them for their enjoyment.  MAKE A DIFFERENCE or fade away, damn it.

Yeah.  I'm talking to YOU, asshole.

Go ahead.  Tear down your statues and kill your neighbors.  Get pissed about shit that shouldn't matter.  Karma works, baby.  I hope I'm around to see you get yours.

Muscle Stress Formula

Posting this here, both to share with y'all and so I don't lose such a thoroughly tested formula.  That said, aromatherapy (for me) isn't just the recipe.  It's the "resting" and smelling, adjusting, trusting my body to recognize what more needs to be added.  I use sweet almond oil as my carrier, about 3oz.  It responds well to friction, heating easily and soaks quickly into the skin.  ALWAYS use a tinted GLASS bottle for your mixes and store them in a cool dark place.

I start with: 

Geranium oil, 20 drops.  It's the "grounding" agent.

Sandalwood 10 drops

Wild Chamomile (pain) 30 drops

Lavender (everything!) 30 drops

The last 3 stimulate the circulatory system and speed healing:

Rosemary 25 drops

Peppermint 15 drops

Juniper Berry 15 drops

Each time you add about 3 or 4 ingredients, put in the stopper, shake well and let it rest, blend.  Once all ingredients are added, repeat the process one last time.  Smell it and LISTEN TO YOUR BODY.  If one scent seems to overpower the others, add a drop or three of the rest.  Shake, rest and smell.  Repeat until your body says it's done.

I tested and recombined this formula a dozen times or more, using my son's cross country team as willing guinea pigs.  Once the formula was "perfected" they all raved over it and said I was then their official Witch Doctor.  LOL  Great for strained muscles, shin splints and more.

So... Here I am! June 29, 2015

Yes, I'm one of those annoying people who think too much. That said and after many conversations/debates, I have been told that I should put my random thoughts out there... that there's a lot of good to be found in the things I say. Oooooooookay...

The really cool thing about having a blog is that... Hey, it's mine so I'm always right by default! LOL What am I looking for then? Intelligent debate.

I've not yet decided what my first thoughts actually SHOULD be. So, instead, here's a little about myself...
I'm getting old and it pisses me off. I've raised my kids and have one beautiful grandchild (never thought I'd be one to drool over a grandkid, but there ya go!).

Life conspired so that I never had a career, but I AM an artist, philosopher, aromatherapist, and... don't ever let me near your house if you want it to remain the same... I LOVE to play with houses (not PLAY HOUSE, thank you). I appreciate the quirks of life sometimes and other times I rage against them.

At the heart of it all, though, I'm just a Beach Girl... laid back and open, ready to laugh at the least provocation. I am suitably bent, hoping to one day be proclaimed the master of the double entendre. I am accepting of most differences, but have no patience for stereotyped slurs. Life is short. Let's have dessert first and leave the nastiness to the closed minds.

So, mix yourself a Margarita, pull up a chair and let's enjoy one another's thoughts.

When at 2 in the morning, my body decides it needs to MOVE, even though parts of it hurt. When I go outside to a clear sky, bright with the light of thousands of stars, so many that I can't find the constellations. When watching my dogs get excited about running around the courtyard at such an odd hour and I see the tiniest little tree frog no bigger than the first knuckle of my pinky finger, sitting on my plant... I'm grinning ear to ear. What a strange little cookie I am!

Promote love...

I once had a friend named Tomas.  He was from the islands...  can't remember which right now.  He used to laugh at me because I would get lost, watching his skin under the light of the sun...  it brought out these gorgeous indigos and purples, he was that dark.  I would get lost in the musical sound of his voice, never mind what he was saying.  That's how people should be in my mind. How I miss him!

Now, I'm not a perfect person, far from it.  But I like to think that I'm getting better as the years go by.

Maybe I'm wrong here, but I don't see race, color, creed, sexual preference, any of that.  My heritage is mostly Scots, but I doubt any true Scotsman would see me as such.  I'm proud of that bit in me, nonetheless. Would I use it to set myself apart from anyone?  Hell, no.  That would be stupid.  I'd rather laugh at myself with a hearty Scotsman alongside, laughing with me.

So, what is it that I see?  I see a rainbow of humanity.  I see dark and light, sallow and bright...  Day glow!  LOL  I see a beautiful variety of philosophies and beliefs bringing light to a new day.  I see so many symbols of benevolence that it's mind blowing.

Yet there are those today who would dictate that we should focus on the differences between us.  It's causing rage to spread worse than any plague.  I don't see an end to it and that's scarier than anything I've ever experienced.

In that light, I want to follow another tactic.  I want to speak of the things that I love in people...

I love your honor.  
I love how you respect me and the others around you. 
I love that you hate lies as much as I do.  
I love discussing philosophy with you, seeing the twists and turns of your mind, your passion as you speak.  
I love the sound of your laughter as it rolls from the pit of your gut. 
I love the way that your hand rests gently on my shoulder just to let me know you're here. 
I love seeing the things you've seen as you tell the stories of your travels. 
I love the twinkle in your eye as you turn to me, sharing a private joke.  
I love those perfect moments in time that we sometimes enjoy.  
I love that when I hurt, emotionally or physically, you don't make a scene, instead doing those little things that make the hours, days, weeks easier.
I love that you love the furred, feathered and scaled kindred, the land, ourhome.
I love that you can follow me down into the Darkness that is a part of me, unafraid.  
I love your Bent and Twisted mind.  
I love that you understand, although I may be aging and my body has betrayed me, my mind is sharp and my heart is the best I can make it.  
I love that you expect nothing more of me than I can give.  
I love that you don't expect me to share your views, yet you can respect mine.  
I love that you know I have lines in the sand that cannot be crossed and you're okay with that.  
I love that my pacifism and other beliefs are just fine in your world.  
I love that there are things about me that you take pride in.

That said...  I don't care what color skin you're wearing, except to delight in our differences or perhaps dissect those tones according to a color wheel.  I don't care what accent your voice contains, unless I'm jamming to the music of your soul.  I don't care what your religion might be unless you're a fanatic or a threat.  I don't care if you're tall or short, skinny or wide, wealthy or poor, gay or straight.  I don't care what symbols are yours as long as you leave me to mine.

Let us come together instead.  Leave the rage and fighting for the wars that are being waged in other countries, please.  Let us each be the spices and seasonings that complete our family meals. How delightful!  

I cried for you today...

I cried for you today, even though you'll never know it.

I cried for your anger and frustration.  I cried because you been held back, knocked down, beleaguered and belittled... There was a time when you'd get right back up, but you no longer do.  You rail against the world and all of its wrongness so vehemently that you have forgotten to pause for the sweetness and beauty and those precious moments in time that make life worth the bull shit or monotony.  I cry because you're alone in the dark.

I cried for the little child who was so full of wonder and was wonderful to all that were met.  You had compassion and patience and love.  But life has not been kind to you.  I know that.  OMG, how I know that!  Because I stood beside you and held your hand through it all.  I sobbed in my own darkness as alone as you are now.

You and I, we always battled the limitations of our existence...  Together we fought for the right.  So many stood against us in their apathy, but we knew we had to speak and stand strong.  When did that die within you? Was it something I did or allowed or ignored???

I cried because it feels that I've lost my best friend, that person who knew me better than anyone else...  So I suppose that I must cry for myself as well.

I cried because you can't hear me anymore nor can you hear the whisper of the Light within you that says "You have value.  I love you.  You're not alone".

I cried because you're drowning in resentment of what others have perhaps wrongfully gained or of wrongs you've assigned to a Peoples or a Movement, screaming your rage against the world at large.  And I cried because I cannot stand with you in that microcosm of loathing and defiance...  and because I miss you.

Oh, heavens, how I miss you!  I miss chasing music  and rainbows and laughing over little inanities.  I miss the smile on your face when you know you've done something good and kind.  I miss the days that were full to the brim of "I can" and "I will", when there is now only the echoes of "I won't".

Can't you see how this anger is poisoning you, taking you so far from who you once were and could be?  Life is so harsh.  I can't live with you there.

So, I cried for you.

Can We Think?

Have you ever stopped to think just WHY there is so much in the news and social media these days about black vs. white? Christian vs. Muslim? The common man vs. the govt? Have you begun yet to question WHY "they" are encouraging mob mentality? This separateness of me vs. you? None of these issues are new.


But... watch the news or the media more carefully... MOST of these people are clearly not educated, I don't give a damn what color or religion or whatever they are. And don't pull that "oh, they came from the inner city or a place with horrible schools or the lack of proper parents/role models". That's bull shit. Education is FREE. Each of us choose how we speak and the extent of our knowledge. A person doesn't have to attend school to become educated. A person doesn't have to live in the "right" place to know how to E-NUN-CI-ATE.

So, think about this... If you get the people, the masses angry enough, they stop thinking and begin parroting the popular headlines of the moment. Once they're angry enough and not thinking, they're easily manipulated. They can be lead around by the nose to a leader's purpose.

The civil rights issues that are glaringly apparent in the headlines have been happening for a LONG frigging time. Have you really LISTENED to many of those representing their race on the news? Really LISTENED? Regardless of the race, these people use barely comprehensible English to blurt out a sense of entitlement that NO ONE has a right to own.

The awful things done by religious fanatics do NOT represent the whole. If I hear a Muslim called a "towel head" one more time, I'm going to scream. Our country is filled with a variety of religions... has been for a long damn time. If you're going to get pissed at someone for religious beliefs, try the Westboro Church. Just saying.

Our govt officials have been the elite power hungry monster that it is for a long damn time (see the pattern here?). Why NOW are we throwing our "representatives" (and I use that term loosely) under the bus, then backing it up again? Yet, not the first person has offered a solution. Unless you're a privileged white male, someone fought for and possibly died for your right to vote, yet the voting percentage is at an all time low.

I believe that it's of the utmost importance that we turn off the news, calm down and THINK FOR OURSELVES... Then ask WHY is this happening? What is "the other hand" doing? Why are "they" trying to instill this mob mentality? Prestidigitation.

My point is that I'm tired of the angry mob. Don't start screaming against this group or that, blaming the whole for the one. THINK. Then come to the table with a solution. Not the first one of us is entitled to a thing that we've not worked towards.

*steps down from the soap box*