On Being Me

I'm an artist. It isn't just something I do. It is the who and what of me. It permeates all that I am, all that I do, how I react and behave. It is in my sleeping mind and racing thoughts. It is my soul.

I sometimes wonder why it is that I paint or create or write. I don't earn my keep by any of these means... It'd be nice if I could... And it's such an expensive process, in time as well as money. So, why?

It isn't that I paint all the time. But even when I'm not actively attacking a canvas, my brain is planning, building, developing... following that chain of "what ifs". It isn't even just my oils that suffer for my desire.

There's playtime with watered down acrylics ebbing and flowing in their pools of water in a battle between what I want and what they will. Chaos vs. intent. What a rush!

And my home bears with my need to create... Musical furniture and the push and pull of this going there and that going away until everything meets some inner agenda that my foggy brain must achieve.

Then there's me... with the tattoos and piercings and hippie chic.

The outside world redefines itself to my personal distinctions. I don't see race or age or gender. Rather, I see color and texture and shape. I walk through spaces arrogantly reassigning the placement of everything I encounter to match my inner rhythm. Only Nature is free from my mental gymnastics. It plays the song that drives me.

Words and feelings light another facet of my prism. All of these thoughts flashing through my head. I think... I believe... I KNOW... I know... I know... I know... Ideas that won't shut up until I speak them out loud or write them down. It's frustrating!

But, mostly I paint.

Do you know that the canvas sometimes scares me? It challenges me that I might fail. It stares with its monocular vision, saying "all right, what ya gonna do NOW?", "can you follow through with the next step?", "are you good enough?".

I'm good. Not great, just good. I don't have that "something extra" that strives for excellence. When I've had enough, I'm done with that particular piece. I can easily break it down to "this is wrong" or "that could be better". But, why? I'll do better on the next one. It's all a learning experience, a chance for growth. There's still so many times when I'm NOT good enough, but that's okay. I do what I do. I figure even the masters had an occasional crappy piece! LOL We just don't hear about it.

Right now, I'm in progress... First, I have this piece that is just too much fun. It's an up-close-and-personal a la Georgia O'Keefe of an oyster shell. I know I have a minimum of 30 layers of paint on it by now. It's getting close to done... But it isn't there yet!

It's full of irridescents and metallics. From each angle that I look at it, the color shifts and changes. I'm starting to build in the darks and lights now. Acrylics and water. The color pooling and sliding to create a thing of the sea. Rather poetic, don't you think?

There's a canvas on my easel as well. Prussian blue fading to a dark cerulean in one little corner. This will be the deepest ocean where a jellyfish of hot pinks and oranges dances ever so delicately. Oils are the only medium in which I can produce that fineness of existence. I'm looking forward to it... But first I have to let the background dry.

Lastly, there's the blank canvas leaning against the wall of my studio, still wrapped in plastic. It knows what it wants to be. But can I do it?

Each artist has their own forte. Not to say that's ALL they produce, it's just a tendency. Mine is the human figure in oils. In particular, the female form. "Paint what you know" is the mantra that I learned by, so what better than the gender I was born to?

I danced for a large part of my life, so I began painting dancers, then moved on. I was an interpreter (sign language), so have paintings that display the beauty of that language. Now I'm finally coming around to who I am in my soul by painting things of the beach and water. Do you realize how damned hard it is to try and capture something that changes in the blink of an eye? Wow! Wish I could get someone to show me how to do this... but I'll figure it out eventually... I hope!

People ask me all the time "why don't you sell your stuff?". It takes me at least 3 weeks to create a piece from start to finish. Perhaps it's that I started my life as an artist in the realm of the three dimensional, but I "build" my paintings, layer by layer. I work mostly in pure color and don't want this hue to pollute that tone. By the time I've called it done, they each have well over 100 hours invested in them. And people complain when I quote $1200 minimum? Nah, I think I'll just keep my babies.

I have over $1000 in brushes, $400 in paints, and a varying amount in canvases. Then there's thinners, extenders, varnishes, cleaners, conditioners, not to mention easels... Whew! Like I said earlier, this isn't some cheap pastime.

I think maybe I'm the bane of my husband's existence! LOL Poor baby. I put so much time and money into something he can't comprehend. But he knows that it drives me and it's who I am, so it's okay because he loves me. Good man, isn't he?

Meanwhile, here I sit at my computer, literally watching the paint dry... Waiting for that moment when I can carry out these temporary desires.

But if that blank canvas over there says ONE MORE WORD... LOL

Peace, guys!