New Year's Resolutions...

Damn, we make it tough on ourselves, don't we? "I'm going to lose 500 lbs." "I'm going from couch potato to competing in triathlons." "I'm gonna quit a five pack a day habit in 2 days." "Yea, well, I'll get my GED, then my PhD." Gees...

Come on, people! Except for those few notable people (whom I secretly loathe) with EXTREME discipline, most of us are setting ourselves up for failure. And that's not a good way to start the new year. Believe me, I've been among the sinners with an alarming regularity myself, so here's my thoughts on the subject...

Let's plant a seed and leave a little room for improvement. Kind of like when you first start working out at a gym. You don't walk out of there ready to compete in Mr./Ms. Universe, ya know?

My theme (following the Buddhist state of being) this year is "moderation". My first task will be the easiest...

1. EVERY morning without fail, I promise to make the bed as soon as my spouse (yes, he still lives and breathes after the dye incident) arises. I usually wake at sunrise for some ungodly reason.

2. I will work on this blog every day. This doesn't mean POST every day, so you can release that scream of frustration you're holding! Some of my posts have taken days to write, either due to lack of concentration, constant distractions (oooo shiny!), or tough subjects that I want to get just right.

3. I will do at least 1/2 of my PT exercises every day. I realize that doesn't seem like much, but if I did all of them, we're talking about 2 hours of my day and I simply don't have that sort of focus.

4. I will cut down on my inhalation therapy. Yes, I'm a smoker. Don't bother writing me about the insanity of the habit. It's MY habit and I'll keep it, thank you. You really wouldn't want me writing this from prison after I killed everyone who irritated me, now, would you?

5. I'll work on the whole "I'm sad so if I buy this thing I've wanted then I'll feel better" mindset. Yes, I'm also a Pier 1 and book addict.

6. I will either a) lose 5 lbs. or b) drop a clothes size. That'll be a tough one since my body seems to have it's own ideas on how much I should weigh.

7. I will continue my campaigns from last year... Random acts of kindness, getting others on the recycling bus, and trying to convince my family of the benefits of healthier eating.

Baby steps, all. I realize that. But attainable, don't you think? I believe that the whole idea of resolutions should be that we become better people. If we're better, then we can help make our little corner of the universe just the teeniest bit nicer. A good thing all in all!

So, what is on YOUR agenda?

HAPPY NEW YEAR to you... May it be the brightest and best of all!

Now That I've Had My WHINE and Cheese!

'WINTER'
a poem by
Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre

SHIT...It's Cold!

The End

Well, that post on winter was rather depressing, eh? We all have days... sometimes LOTS of them... during which we feel that way... Just kind of lost. I know I'm not alone in that. Why did I post something that whiny? Maybe so that someone else would feel a connection and understand. It's "normal" for people to get to that place now and then. Damn! Did I just use the "N" word??? LOL

It's a full moon, so I couldn't sleep but my brain has yet to engage, so let's just say I'll build on this post. Good Morning, boys and girls! Waaaaaaake up!!!

And here's a neat article to keep you busy for a bit while I put my brain back in: Full Moon Now, where did I leave that brain jar???

Don't you just HATE it when you have your own personal pity party??? Yikes! It makes me nuts. (Yea, yea, yea. I know. Too late.) Once it's over and done, I always wonder where that came from. Boredom and a desire to find that "something special" that's always featured in prose and songs, I suppose. I think we set ourselves up for that one on a regular basis.

So... Tis the season, boys and girls. Christmas, Hanukkah, Saturnalia, Kwanzaa... Hell, Howling at the Moon in the Depths of Winter... whatever you celebrate. It seems we all celebrate something at this time of year. Some primeval sense of "Hey, I'm surviving", perhaps? It's GOOD to come together, whatever the reason.

Saturnalia is the Winter Solstice. The longest night of the year. Since the dawn of humankind, it has been celebrated as the death of the old and rebirth of the new. The tradition that modern civilization partakes of on New Year's is appropriate during the Yule season as well. What better time to come together with those near and dear to us? To touch and reaffirm?

It's also a good time to do a little self-evaluation.

A friend of a friend has this expression that she uses whenever she gets the urge to cut the clutter. She calls it "de-shitting". Maybe this year, we can de-shit our lives? Cut away the crap that bogs us down and free up some personal space for those things that are really important, home and family (this includes our "chosen family" as well).

It sure sounds good on paper, doesn't it? Let's think about it...

Take this holiday season. How many of us get so wrapped up (hehe) in the holiday season that stress becomes our middle name? Now I ask you... WHY? It's like we're in this competition to get the newest and best for EVERYONE. That typically translates into "expensive".

Okay... this opinion doesn't count for the littles on our lists... well, maybe to a certain extent it does, because we go waaaaaaaaay overboard with them as well.

Gift-giving is supposed to be a joy, a mark to show we care, that someone is in our thoughts... It's a physical reminder of a bond. The price tag is NOT a gauge of that affection. So, why are freaking cars advertised as the perfect gift? I'd severely throttle anyone who gave a vehicle as a present!

It's time to rethink this strategy, to cut it back to a more reasonable possibility. My parents' generation didn't spend big bucks like we do today. One gift (except for the kiddies) for a few select individuals or a family as a whole and you were done. Wow... Just think of the breathing room that would leave, much less the pressure on ye olde credit card.

And I can't tell you how many homes with children have the appearance of a toy store explosion at this time of the year! Those "poor" babies don't know which way to turn or what to play with simply because there are so many choices. People! Less is more, particularly in this example. Let them have a few well-chosen things to treasure. Quality not quantity.

Turn back the hands of time. Especially now when we're all feeling something of a monetary pinch. Pare down that list. Lower how much you're willing to spend. Hell, let's go back to the handmade present. Or chocolate... Y'all can give me lots and lots of good dark rich... What was I saying??? Oh, yea... Lists. LOL

So in this season of commercialism, I give you something without price yet overflowing with all I am. I send to you all my deepest wishes for love and home... for a heart that knows its worth... for time to enjoy those things special to us... but most of all, for peace.

Happy Holidays!

Winter as Loneliness

Winter sets in as does the pain in my joints, so here I sit... either in my studio with the little space heater cranked on high or in front of a roaring fire in the living room as close to the hearth as I can. The only voice most of the time is my own as I talk to my small pack of dogs. I'm tired as I don't sleep well in these cold months... and I dream of summer... The hot humid days, the laughter of friends around me, and the beach.

Most of all, I'm lonely. I'm not one of those people who does well alone day after day. Oh, it's fine if I'm alone by choice, but when I'm not? I don't like this...

Perhaps you wonder where are all of those that I love so well and who normally fill my life? Ahhh... there's the crux. Life happens. Regardless of what we do, there's an ebb and flow to everything around us. Right now, things are simply flowing in another direction. Most of them are involved in other aspects of their lives. It happens. But... DAMN! Did it have to happen to everyone at once???

I've learned to hate the cold cloudy days when the wind blows and the rain falls like tears. I used to find some contentment in this season... I don't know where that went. Emotions can be so ephemeral. In my case, they always are. I've been known to change with the seconds on the clock.

So what shall I do with myself in this dour season? That's what I ask myself every day when I awake. There ARE possibilities after all, but none of them sound appealing. I could paint... I have two canvases in progress. I could read... I have at least 10 books waiting for me. I could clean... (I have a REAL problem with that one. Love a clean, neat house. Hate the process.) God knows there's always cleaning to be done. I don't want to do any of those things.

I have no clue what's wrong with me. Maybe a case of SAD... (Boy, they named that one right, didn't they???) But that doesn't seem correct. It's one of those things that, when I try to grasp and define it, it simply slips away. Perhaps I'm merely too introspective? That tends to happen whenever I have so much time on my hands.

I know this is the whole "fantasy vs. reality" argument that I always present, but I see things on tv or in postings online and there's this huge happy world of friends and entertainments and interaction and LIFE represented. Where can I buy into some of that? Not all the time, just now and then??? I want that shared inside joke and laughter at goofy things. I want people around to tease me or chastise me over some small mishap. Damn it!

In the summer... even in the spring and fall, I can be positive. I can get excited and see the world as my realm to explore. I can even claim occasional moments of insight and wisdom. So, where has it all gone?

I just realized that my problem is I'm discontent. What right have I to that? There are so many who do so much with less... I'm a survivor. I have survived life. But, what else? "Now is the hour of our discontent"... Bull shit!

I create paintings that I haven't the means to show. I write words that perhaps might mean something, but I'll never know. I've raised my children... and they're good people. Now what?

No one will hire me because of my limitations. Don't you hate that word??? Limitations. Fuck that. I have a good mind and I love to learn. Hell, I have a couple of minor degrees. Whatever. I can organize and manage things like most wouldn't believe and have a knack for nailing problems on the head. Argh...

I've always been that person that steps outside of the mainstream and I LIKE that about me. I guess I'm the "black sheep" or the "red-headed stepchild". I don't care. That makes me interesting, don't you think? I'm that "other perspective"! LOL

Ahhhh... Humor, at last!

I have no patience for pathetic drama, especially my own. So, what can I do within the walls of my own home to create an effect? to bring interaction and the human touch? How can I bring purpose to the who and what of me??? I've lived more than half a century. There should be SOMETHING to harvest in that! If not, I guess I'm screwed.

If only I could grasp that ephemeral something I chase round and round in my head!

For now, I'll simply raise my glass in a toast to those ears out there that hear me. My deepest thanks!

Buddhist Thoughts...

"The greatest achievement is selflessness.
The greatest worth is self-mastery.
The greatest quality is seeking to serve others.
The greatest precept is continual awareness.
The greatest medicine is the emptiness of everything.
The greatest action is not conforming with the worlds ways.
The greatest magic is transmuting the passions.
The greatest generosity is non-attachment.
The greatest goodness is a peaceful mind.
The greatest patience is humility.
The greatest effort is not concerned with results.
The greatest meditation is a mind that lets go.
The greatest wisdom is seeing through appearances."
Atisha.

"Aware of the suffering caused by the destruction of life, I vow to cultivate compassion and learn ways to protect lives of people, animals, plants, and minerals. I am determined not to kill, not to let others kill, and not to condone any killing in the world, in my thinking, and in my way of life.”
Ven. Thich Nhat Hanh.

"When the mind begins to become still, we then begin to truly see it. When you first try to stabilize and pacify the mind, initially it will become very busy because it’s not accustomed to being still. In fact, it doesn’t even necessarily want to become still, but it is essential to get a hold of the mind to recognize its nature. This practice is extremely important. ... Eventually you will find yourself in a state where your mind is clear and open all the time. It is just like when the clouds are removed from the sky and the sun can clearly be seen, shining all the time. This is coming close to the state of liberation, liberation from all traces of suffering. ... The truth of this practice is universal. It isn’t necessary to call it a religion to practice it. Whether one is a Hindu or a Moslem or a Christian or a Buddhist simply doesn’t matter. Anyone can practice this because this is the nature of the mind, the nature of everyone’s mind. If you can get a handle on your mind, and pacify it in this way, you will definitely experience these results, and you will see them in your daily life situation. There is no need to put this into any kind of category, any kind of "ism."
Venerable Gyatrul Rinpoche

The Eight-Fold Path
Sila is morality — abstaining from unwholesome deeds of body and speech. Within the division of sila are three parts of the Noble Eightfold Path:
1. Right Speech — One speaks in a non hurtful, not exaggerated, truthful way (samyag-vāc, sammā-vācā)
2. Right Actions — Wholesome action, avoiding action that would do harm (samyak-karmānta, sammā-kammanta)
3. Right Livelihood — One's way of livelihood does not harm in any way oneself or others; directly or indirectly (samyag-ājīva, sammā-ājīva)

Samadhi is developing mastery over one’s own mind. Within this division are another three parts of the Noble Eightfold Path:
1. Right Effort/Exercise — One makes an effort to improve (samyag-vyāyāma, sammā-vāyāma)
2. Right Mindfulness/Awareness — Mental ability to see things for what they are with clear consciousness (samyak-smṛti, sammā-sati)
3. Right Concentration — Being aware of the present reality within oneself, without any craving or aversion. (samyak-samādhi, sammā-samādhi)

Prajñā is the wisdom which purifies the mind. Within this division fall two more parts of the Noble Eightfold Path:
1. Right Thoughts — Change in the pattern of thinking. (samyak-saṃkalpa, sammā-saṅkappa)
2. Right Understanding — Understanding reality as it is, not just as it appears to be. (samyag-dṛṣṭi, sammā-diṭṭhi)

May you find peace in your soul.

On Being Me

I'm an artist. It isn't just something I do. It is the who and what of me. It permeates all that I am, all that I do, how I react and behave. It is in my sleeping mind and racing thoughts. It is my soul.

I sometimes wonder why it is that I paint or create or write. I don't earn my keep by any of these means... It'd be nice if I could... And it's such an expensive process, in time as well as money. So, why?

It isn't that I paint all the time. But even when I'm not actively attacking a canvas, my brain is planning, building, developing... following that chain of "what ifs". It isn't even just my oils that suffer for my desire.

There's playtime with watered down acrylics ebbing and flowing in their pools of water in a battle between what I want and what they will. Chaos vs. intent. What a rush!

And my home bears with my need to create... Musical furniture and the push and pull of this going there and that going away until everything meets some inner agenda that my foggy brain must achieve.

Then there's me... with the tattoos and piercings and hippie chic.

The outside world redefines itself to my personal distinctions. I don't see race or age or gender. Rather, I see color and texture and shape. I walk through spaces arrogantly reassigning the placement of everything I encounter to match my inner rhythm. Only Nature is free from my mental gymnastics. It plays the song that drives me.

Words and feelings light another facet of my prism. All of these thoughts flashing through my head. I think... I believe... I KNOW... I know... I know... I know... Ideas that won't shut up until I speak them out loud or write them down. It's frustrating!

But, mostly I paint.

Do you know that the canvas sometimes scares me? It challenges me that I might fail. It stares with its monocular vision, saying "all right, what ya gonna do NOW?", "can you follow through with the next step?", "are you good enough?".

I'm good. Not great, just good. I don't have that "something extra" that strives for excellence. When I've had enough, I'm done with that particular piece. I can easily break it down to "this is wrong" or "that could be better". But, why? I'll do better on the next one. It's all a learning experience, a chance for growth. There's still so many times when I'm NOT good enough, but that's okay. I do what I do. I figure even the masters had an occasional crappy piece! LOL We just don't hear about it.

Right now, I'm in progress... First, I have this piece that is just too much fun. It's an up-close-and-personal a la Georgia O'Keefe of an oyster shell. I know I have a minimum of 30 layers of paint on it by now. It's getting close to done... But it isn't there yet!

It's full of irridescents and metallics. From each angle that I look at it, the color shifts and changes. I'm starting to build in the darks and lights now. Acrylics and water. The color pooling and sliding to create a thing of the sea. Rather poetic, don't you think?

There's a canvas on my easel as well. Prussian blue fading to a dark cerulean in one little corner. This will be the deepest ocean where a jellyfish of hot pinks and oranges dances ever so delicately. Oils are the only medium in which I can produce that fineness of existence. I'm looking forward to it... But first I have to let the background dry.

Lastly, there's the blank canvas leaning against the wall of my studio, still wrapped in plastic. It knows what it wants to be. But can I do it?

Each artist has their own forte. Not to say that's ALL they produce, it's just a tendency. Mine is the human figure in oils. In particular, the female form. "Paint what you know" is the mantra that I learned by, so what better than the gender I was born to?

I danced for a large part of my life, so I began painting dancers, then moved on. I was an interpreter (sign language), so have paintings that display the beauty of that language. Now I'm finally coming around to who I am in my soul by painting things of the beach and water. Do you realize how damned hard it is to try and capture something that changes in the blink of an eye? Wow! Wish I could get someone to show me how to do this... but I'll figure it out eventually... I hope!

People ask me all the time "why don't you sell your stuff?". It takes me at least 3 weeks to create a piece from start to finish. Perhaps it's that I started my life as an artist in the realm of the three dimensional, but I "build" my paintings, layer by layer. I work mostly in pure color and don't want this hue to pollute that tone. By the time I've called it done, they each have well over 100 hours invested in them. And people complain when I quote $1200 minimum? Nah, I think I'll just keep my babies.

I have over $1000 in brushes, $400 in paints, and a varying amount in canvases. Then there's thinners, extenders, varnishes, cleaners, conditioners, not to mention easels... Whew! Like I said earlier, this isn't some cheap pastime.

I think maybe I'm the bane of my husband's existence! LOL Poor baby. I put so much time and money into something he can't comprehend. But he knows that it drives me and it's who I am, so it's okay because he loves me. Good man, isn't he?

Meanwhile, here I sit at my computer, literally watching the paint dry... Waiting for that moment when I can carry out these temporary desires.

But if that blank canvas over there says ONE MORE WORD... LOL

Peace, guys!