Winter as Loneliness

Winter sets in as does the pain in my joints, so here I sit... either in my studio with the little space heater cranked on high or in front of a roaring fire in the living room as close to the hearth as I can. The only voice most of the time is my own as I talk to my small pack of dogs. I'm tired as I don't sleep well in these cold months... and I dream of summer... The hot humid days, the laughter of friends around me, and the beach.

Most of all, I'm lonely. I'm not one of those people who does well alone day after day. Oh, it's fine if I'm alone by choice, but when I'm not? I don't like this...

Perhaps you wonder where are all of those that I love so well and who normally fill my life? Ahhh... there's the crux. Life happens. Regardless of what we do, there's an ebb and flow to everything around us. Right now, things are simply flowing in another direction. Most of them are involved in other aspects of their lives. It happens. But... DAMN! Did it have to happen to everyone at once???

I've learned to hate the cold cloudy days when the wind blows and the rain falls like tears. I used to find some contentment in this season... I don't know where that went. Emotions can be so ephemeral. In my case, they always are. I've been known to change with the seconds on the clock.

So what shall I do with myself in this dour season? That's what I ask myself every day when I awake. There ARE possibilities after all, but none of them sound appealing. I could paint... I have two canvases in progress. I could read... I have at least 10 books waiting for me. I could clean... (I have a REAL problem with that one. Love a clean, neat house. Hate the process.) God knows there's always cleaning to be done. I don't want to do any of those things.

I have no clue what's wrong with me. Maybe a case of SAD... (Boy, they named that one right, didn't they???) But that doesn't seem correct. It's one of those things that, when I try to grasp and define it, it simply slips away. Perhaps I'm merely too introspective? That tends to happen whenever I have so much time on my hands.

I know this is the whole "fantasy vs. reality" argument that I always present, but I see things on tv or in postings online and there's this huge happy world of friends and entertainments and interaction and LIFE represented. Where can I buy into some of that? Not all the time, just now and then??? I want that shared inside joke and laughter at goofy things. I want people around to tease me or chastise me over some small mishap. Damn it!

In the summer... even in the spring and fall, I can be positive. I can get excited and see the world as my realm to explore. I can even claim occasional moments of insight and wisdom. So, where has it all gone?

I just realized that my problem is I'm discontent. What right have I to that? There are so many who do so much with less... I'm a survivor. I have survived life. But, what else? "Now is the hour of our discontent"... Bull shit!

I create paintings that I haven't the means to show. I write words that perhaps might mean something, but I'll never know. I've raised my children... and they're good people. Now what?

No one will hire me because of my limitations. Don't you hate that word??? Limitations. Fuck that. I have a good mind and I love to learn. Hell, I have a couple of minor degrees. Whatever. I can organize and manage things like most wouldn't believe and have a knack for nailing problems on the head. Argh...

I've always been that person that steps outside of the mainstream and I LIKE that about me. I guess I'm the "black sheep" or the "red-headed stepchild". I don't care. That makes me interesting, don't you think? I'm that "other perspective"! LOL

Ahhhh... Humor, at last!

I have no patience for pathetic drama, especially my own. So, what can I do within the walls of my own home to create an effect? to bring interaction and the human touch? How can I bring purpose to the who and what of me??? I've lived more than half a century. There should be SOMETHING to harvest in that! If not, I guess I'm screwed.

If only I could grasp that ephemeral something I chase round and round in my head!

For now, I'll simply raise my glass in a toast to those ears out there that hear me. My deepest thanks!

Physical Therapy is AWESOME!

I can't believe I said that, but there ya go!

I've been through PT for various reasons many times and never thought much of it. It was always for a specific injury, so that may be why. Or perhaps the therapist didn't really understand how strong and flexible I normally am. I don't know.

I now have a host of injuries that make daily routine quite difficult... and forget exercise! If I want to work this area, that area prohibits the exercise and so on. As a result, I've become soft and weak and it pisses me off!

To give you an idea... I danced for a large portion of my life. Jazz, ballet, lyrical or simply out boogying on the dance floor. I LOVE to dance, but now I'm doing good to last through one song. We live in the country, so throughout my kids' childhood we had a ton of animals... horses, goats, chickens, ducks, dogs, cats, etc... I used to haul 50 lb. sacks of feed and bales of hay. I used to build things. Not little things, but plank-built pieces of furniture. Along with some friends with the know-how, we literally built the house we now live in. My hands have been on every piece of wood in this home in some capacity, either by hauling it, cutting, nailing, staining, whatever. You get the gist.

Now I have a host of injuries. I won't go into the specifics, but from bottom up: Morton's neuromas in both feet, plates and screws in the right leg, FUBAR'd knees and back, both wrists, elbows and the left shoulder are a mess. Kind of makes things difficult. Pain has become my constant companion, although some days are better than others.

You might have read some of my other posts and gotten the idea that I'm not big on pharmaceutical relief. You'd be right. I try my doctor's patience beyond belief. LOL Bless her heart!

Recently, she sent me to this physical therapist... That was the biggest blessing I've had in a long time. This woman is INCREDIBLE! She spent more than an hour simply doing an evaluation. She took it all into consideration and I began my rehabilitation that day. It's only been three weeks and the improvement is unbelievable.

I realize that this is a long-term commitment and things won't occur overnight. But the past Monday and Tuesday nights, I actually SLEPT ALL NIGHT LONG! It's probably been 15 - 20 years since that happened. And when I awoke each morning, I only had a few minutes of mild pain versus the excruciating pain I usually deal with for the first half hour or so of each day. Amazing! I don't know if this is the new world of PT or if I've just been lucky enough to find someone special, but I feel I'm truly blessed.

By habit, I observe people and have watched other clients while I do my therapy three days a week. This woman works with such a wide variety of patients and injuries. She's definitely hands on and knowledgeable. She pays attention and makes certain that minute adjustments are made and explained, but she also explains WHY. You have no clue how important that is to me.

Right now, she's working on endurance, so perhaps it's psychosomatic, but I swear that I already feel stronger. I know I feel more positive about my future. I don't mind the numbers in my age, but my body failing me is something I'm not ready to accept. I hate the word "limitations" and have lived with them for far too long. I don't expect miracles, but improvement is right around the corner. I can't wait!